9/11/2013

Ok so everyone is talking today about where they were 12 years ago. Oddly especially for a military family I was only a few hundred yards from where I am right now. We had just moved into our house on Salmon Drive a few weeks earlier. Our first home together as a family. I was hundreds of miles away from my family learning to adjust to a new strange world we call the Air Force. Brett woke me up frantically in the morning with a simple 45 second phone call. 

B: School is Cancelled
ME: huh (half awake)
B: RJ has no school. Get up. Turn on the TV.
ME: What channel, what are you talking about.
B: Doesn't matter, I love you, I may not be home for awhile. Don't leave the house.
ME: huh
B: Love you I will call you later if I can.

Ok so that was it. I was left to decipher his call later. When I was more awake. So I got up went in the living room and turned on what looked like a movie. Except it was on EVERY channel. That is when my mom called. Two days before Colt's first birthday, lots of chaos happening, we had no idea how this was going to affect our world. We only knew it would never be the same. It was very comforting when Brett finally made it home from work, we were able to run to get dinner and get back home where we felt we were on lock down from the rest of the world. 

I still remember the feeling of community that our country had. I say had, because these days it is very much gone. Americans don't seem to exist like they did that day. Now we all have a different label, democrats, republicans, Christians, Catholics, White, Asian, Rich, Poor....Why can't we all go back to being Americans. Back to a day and time when people were kind to each other and opened their arms, hearts, and homes for fellow Americans.

We, in this house, will never forget the sacrifices made by the families that day and every day since, of those whom have lost their lives and loved ones fighting an evil that exists with such force in this world. Leaving the Air Force and this bubble that has been our home for so long, I can only hope that we will be so loved and cared for out in the world, and that we will find other Americans to share our experiences with and spread them to the rest of the world.

 

It is February. One month closer to May. If you know anything about me at all you know I love the warm weather, summer, flip flops, bikinis (even though they aren't always my friends) and the beach. The closer we get to the warm weather the harder it becomes to breathe some days. I know May is coming and even worse yet July. 
Don't get me wrong every day can fly by like a blur. 
Maybe it is because I know that it is getting warmer maybe it was the success and failures of my first ever SIDS fundraiser. 
Either way it never really gets easier. It never gets better. It only becomes different.
My little Squeak is not here. 
Every day there is a reminder of that. 
It is not always the big reminders that get you. Most often it is the small reminders. 
I was so sick this last summer on his AngelDay that I barely made it outside. I didn't even have the energy to cry on the outside. I feared that if I did I would put myself back in the hospital. 
Now when I am feeling better I am afraid to make it worse. When I am feeling bad I am afraid it will make it much worse. 
Mostly these days I am afraid that I won't stop once I start. I feel like I have been numb since I have been sick. I have let a little out at a time but stop myself almost instantly.
 I do know it is coming.
 I know when it does it will be totally unexpected irrational and out of control.
I fear that all of my kids will be traumatized, again.
I just thought I should warn you.
Consider yourself warned.

Sunshine on the days that SUCK!

today was a good day, don't confuse the title. but this week in general has been rough. do you ever realize that you are at an age when more bad happens than good.  i mean to say you get more news of friends dying or being ill than getting married and having babies? you so won't get it until it happens to you....at that point in life several things happen. you realize A. that you are old (hello my husband is RETIRING this year) B that life is totally out of your control. 

I think that the latter bothers me more. I had my first lesson that my life is beyond my control when our Callun died. My world stopped. It would have ended if it wasn't for Camden. He has kept me going. He keeps me functioning and on my toes. He asked the questions no one else would and he forced me to answer them. I knew I would never be "ready" to try again, so when we stopped stopping things from happening I let life take control.

As a complete control freak this was so hard for me, but at that point in my life everything was out of control and in a spiral of events so to speak.

I am grateful everyday for my "little" Carwyn. He lights up my world daily. Even when he is trying to drive me crazy.

My second dose of life is out of our control is my MS diagnosis. One day I was "fine" the next it felt like I was going in circles (literally). For 6 months I was on standstill and the world was still spinning. Days of not feeling well turned into at first days in the hospital then weeks. Then months of recovery and months of finding the right medicine that made me feel like me. I think we got it. This worries me more than words because everything I do somedays feels like the day before I got "dizzy". 

Like I said before the events of the last couple weeks have been rough. A friend I knew since junior high was murdered in his home with his pregnant wife. A funeral if in California I would have attended, but being that they were buried on the East Coast in the most honored of resting places made that impossible. People are murdered everyday, but not someone you know. I am pretty sure this is what everyone in this situation thinks, but still until it happens to you....well ya know.

Now another friend I had from before has had cancer. She was able to come to Callun's funeral. After many years of not seeing her she was there. Sick as she was she was there. She has been doing OK since then. But now her illness has taken a turn for the worse. I have been praying for her everyday since I found out she was sick. She is forever on my mind. She was given a "timeline" recently, now I just pray for everyday she has with her babies, both of which are younger than Camden. I want them to know and REMEMBER their mama, so much. I pray she has more time than the doctors say. I want them all to be able to be able to experience life as she was when we hung out. Carefree, relaxed, fun!

I have had friends with children or parents in the hospital or horribly sick. I won't go into details on that too but my friends Dave, his wife and unborn child and Angela weigh heavy on my heart and mind.

Tonight while worrying about Colt on his camping trip in the mountains where it is very likely snowing, I was browsing Facebook, as I do most evenings, and saw a picture that brought joy to my heart. A sweet very loving and deserving family delivered their rainbow baby. For those that don't know Carwyn is my rainbow baby. It is a term given to those who have lost a child previously. As we all know the first after is the hardest. This amamzing family had a problem opposite of mine. She lost her daughter right at the end of her pregnancy. I wanted to keep Carwyn inside forever, I felt safe with him there. Inside where I could feel him always. She had the opposite. Those last months must have been torture. I can only imagine. Her beautiful baby boy is here and safe now. I have finally heard some good news after the storm of events that have happened in the last couple weeks. This little man is truly the rainbow after the storm. Some rainbows are seen by a few, some seen by many. Some are secret rainbows known only to those who they have truly touched.

Some days just require Wine!

Today was neither here nor there. About the same as the last several that I have had and not written about. I am finally back on my meds and today I even got a shower!!!!  Ok so for anyone with out kids this is no big feat, but for me this is huge. This meant that while Carwyn was taking a nap I got a shower. For people like me (the unspeakable bereaved parent) nap time is usually a time of solace for most parents, but for me it is usually a time of panic. Yes is he "over that age" where I shouldn't worry, yes. I do anyways. Today my overwhelming NEED for a shower took over that fear. I grabbed his baby monitor (yes he is still in the same "room" as me) and braved the shower. I even shaved. To top it off my husband came home while I was drying my hair and doing my makeup and said "what are you getting all prettied up for?"....this ladies and gentlemen is what us old married folks live for.....He called me pretty. That means for the last 4 days I was the lady who didn't get to do her hair makeup and wore lots of glue (due to my awesome cub scouts)....Today I was pretty. So today when my house was too cold (yes I know it isn't cold in Vegas, but ya'll know I am a wuss) and I had no coffee (I have one cup to last until Monday) I opted for wine! Some days to feel like a grown up you just need to be called pretty and drink a glass of wine. While making dinner, that everyone ate (even has spinach that you can see in it) and taking care of homework, I sipped my wine. I am still sipping my wine and will probably call it an early night, but some times some day just require wine.

Jammies and No Bra ......all day!

So I promised to write everyday...but some days just get away from me. Like yesterday. If you know my husband or family at ALL the Cairns' Bleed Purple.....Kansas State Purple that is. Yesterday was a sad day in this house. Finished off college football season with a loss. A horrible loss. To spare you all the flying words around this house last night, and the trash can full of beer cans, well needless to say I didn't write. 

So today, I got out of bed (way too early), threw on a sweatshirt brushed my teeth and called it a day. I decided to see the world about 10 when I finally put on my contacts. As I write this I am still sitting here in the same jammies I put on last night and the sweatshirt I threw on this morning. Guess what...It feels fantastic. When Brett Brett (aka the husband) got home from work he noticed that I was still in my jammies. He looked at me a little sideways and I replied with the very common....WHAT?! Did not feel like getting dressed today....He laughed a little and then went to change out of his uniform....wait for it....INTO HIS JAMMIES!  AHHHH great minds think a like.

I think we sort of had plans to do something tonight, but um well that isn't happening. Everything can wait until tomorrow....

Some days we just need a no bra stay in our jammies all day kind of day! Tomorrow I will be fancy. PROMISE!

So many times I have said I will start documenting the way I feel. Who I am. The me that no one gets to hear or see. I said I would start writing again every day. That I would read again everyday. Starting the New Year when I have time. Things may start off brief, with very limited time here, but eventually I plan to commit a few extra moments of everyday to my passion of writing. I feel like I am and have been neglecting a special part of my life, hell he is my life. I feel guilty everyday for not crying on the outside, for "functioning" on the level I do. Yet there are days many of them that this is so not the case. I am a wreck on the inside and that is where it stays. But I know there is an outlet and that outlet is here. Whether anyone sees it or not it is and always will be here. I am not looking for pity or the "you are strong and an awesome woman for going on" I just am looking for a place to get it all out of my head. I think that some days I will make you cry, others I will make you shake your head, and sometime even laugh. But this is just my life and my life it is and always will be.....Happy 2013 folks....You have been warned I will write.
 

Tonight as I sit here I think.  About where I was two years ago.
I have a hard time believing that only two years ago I was still in Japan.
In Misawa, with my girls...most of them anyway.
It seems so strange that I have only seen 3 of my girls since I left Japan.
Tonight while sitting outside looking at the stars I was reminded of where we were. Just two years ago. If feels like 100 years, yet it feels like yesterday. I think only one in my shoes can truly understand the complexity of this revelation. I know that this is something that all military wives can relate to. You get orders and you move. Simple right, but where does your heart go? Where does it stay, who gets a part of it? Mine is scattered, I know this. Around the world to heaven and back. You never know just how much of your heart you can live without until a part of it is taken. 

I just want all my girls to know that I think of you each of you everyday. I am horrible at keeping in touch. I have come to the conclusion that it is a coping mechanism and I totally apologize for that. 

Tomorrow we embark on our first Cub Scout trip. Seems silly that this is what sparks my missing my girls. Scouts was such a large part of our life in Japan, our life with my Squeak. I will get through tomorrow, it just will be one of those days full of longing. A longing most will never understand, never know, and never even realize that we are dealing with. I know my babies think about it. I just wish there was a way to fix it. Fix there longing as much as mine. I will never know just how much until they are older and ready to share and understand their feelings.

Tomorrow, we go to the Pumpkin Patch..