Monday, February 11, 2013

It is February. One month closer to May. If you know anything about me at all you know I love the warm weather, summer, flip flops, bikinis (even though they aren't always my friends) and the beach. The closer we get to the warm weather the harder it becomes to breathe some days. I know May is coming and even worse yet July. 
Don't get me wrong every day can fly by like a blur. 
Maybe it is because I know that it is getting warmer maybe it was the success and failures of my first ever SIDS fundraiser. 
Either way it never really gets easier. It never gets better. It only becomes different.
My little Squeak is not here. 
Every day there is a reminder of that. 
It is not always the big reminders that get you. Most often it is the small reminders. 
I was so sick this last summer on his AngelDay that I barely made it outside. I didn't even have the energy to cry on the outside. I feared that if I did I would put myself back in the hospital. 
Now when I am feeling better I am afraid to make it worse. When I am feeling bad I am afraid it will make it much worse. 
Mostly these days I am afraid that I won't stop once I start. I feel like I have been numb since I have been sick. I have let a little out at a time but stop myself almost instantly.
 I do know it is coming.
 I know when it does it will be totally unexpected irrational and out of control.
I fear that all of my kids will be traumatized, again.
I just thought I should warn you.
Consider yourself warned.