Saturday, January 26, 2013

Sunshine on the days that SUCK!

today was a good day, don't confuse the title. but this week in general has been rough. do you ever realize that you are at an age when more bad happens than good.  i mean to say you get more news of friends dying or being ill than getting married and having babies? you so won't get it until it happens to that point in life several things happen. you realize A. that you are old (hello my husband is RETIRING this year) B that life is totally out of your control. 

I think that the latter bothers me more. I had my first lesson that my life is beyond my control when our Callun died. My world stopped. It would have ended if it wasn't for Camden. He has kept me going. He keeps me functioning and on my toes. He asked the questions no one else would and he forced me to answer them. I knew I would never be "ready" to try again, so when we stopped stopping things from happening I let life take control.

As a complete control freak this was so hard for me, but at that point in my life everything was out of control and in a spiral of events so to speak.

I am grateful everyday for my "little" Carwyn. He lights up my world daily. Even when he is trying to drive me crazy.

My second dose of life is out of our control is my MS diagnosis. One day I was "fine" the next it felt like I was going in circles (literally). For 6 months I was on standstill and the world was still spinning. Days of not feeling well turned into at first days in the hospital then weeks. Then months of recovery and months of finding the right medicine that made me feel like me. I think we got it. This worries me more than words because everything I do somedays feels like the day before I got "dizzy". 

Like I said before the events of the last couple weeks have been rough. A friend I knew since junior high was murdered in his home with his pregnant wife. A funeral if in California I would have attended, but being that they were buried on the East Coast in the most honored of resting places made that impossible. People are murdered everyday, but not someone you know. I am pretty sure this is what everyone in this situation thinks, but still until it happens to you....well ya know.

Now another friend I had from before has had cancer. She was able to come to Callun's funeral. After many years of not seeing her she was there. Sick as she was she was there. She has been doing OK since then. But now her illness has taken a turn for the worse. I have been praying for her everyday since I found out she was sick. She is forever on my mind. She was given a "timeline" recently, now I just pray for everyday she has with her babies, both of which are younger than Camden. I want them to know and REMEMBER their mama, so much. I pray she has more time than the doctors say. I want them all to be able to be able to experience life as she was when we hung out. Carefree, relaxed, fun!

I have had friends with children or parents in the hospital or horribly sick. I won't go into details on that too but my friends Dave, his wife and unborn child and Angela weigh heavy on my heart and mind.

Tonight while worrying about Colt on his camping trip in the mountains where it is very likely snowing, I was browsing Facebook, as I do most evenings, and saw a picture that brought joy to my heart. A sweet very loving and deserving family delivered their rainbow baby. For those that don't know Carwyn is my rainbow baby. It is a term given to those who have lost a child previously. As we all know the first after is the hardest. This amamzing family had a problem opposite of mine. She lost her daughter right at the end of her pregnancy. I wanted to keep Carwyn inside forever, I felt safe with him there. Inside where I could feel him always. She had the opposite. Those last months must have been torture. I can only imagine. Her beautiful baby boy is here and safe now. I have finally heard some good news after the storm of events that have happened in the last couple weeks. This little man is truly the rainbow after the storm. Some rainbows are seen by a few, some seen by many. Some are secret rainbows known only to those who they have truly touched.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Some days just require Wine!

Today was neither here nor there. About the same as the last several that I have had and not written about. I am finally back on my meds and today I even got a shower!!!!  Ok so for anyone with out kids this is no big feat, but for me this is huge. This meant that while Carwyn was taking a nap I got a shower. For people like me (the unspeakable bereaved parent) nap time is usually a time of solace for most parents, but for me it is usually a time of panic. Yes is he "over that age" where I shouldn't worry, yes. I do anyways. Today my overwhelming NEED for a shower took over that fear. I grabbed his baby monitor (yes he is still in the same "room" as me) and braved the shower. I even shaved. To top it off my husband came home while I was drying my hair and doing my makeup and said "what are you getting all prettied up for?"....this ladies and gentlemen is what us old married folks live for.....He called me pretty. That means for the last 4 days I was the lady who didn't get to do her hair makeup and wore lots of glue (due to my awesome cub scouts)....Today I was pretty. So today when my house was too cold (yes I know it isn't cold in Vegas, but ya'll know I am a wuss) and I had no coffee (I have one cup to last until Monday) I opted for wine! Some days to feel like a grown up you just need to be called pretty and drink a glass of wine. While making dinner, that everyone ate (even has spinach that you can see in it) and taking care of homework, I sipped my wine. I am still sipping my wine and will probably call it an early night, but some times some day just require wine.

Friday, January 4, 2013

Jammies and No Bra ......all day!

So I promised to write everyday...but some days just get away from me. Like yesterday. If you know my husband or family at ALL the Cairns' Bleed Purple.....Kansas State Purple that is. Yesterday was a sad day in this house. Finished off college football season with a loss. A horrible loss. To spare you all the flying words around this house last night, and the trash can full of beer cans, well needless to say I didn't write. 

So today, I got out of bed (way too early), threw on a sweatshirt brushed my teeth and called it a day. I decided to see the world about 10 when I finally put on my contacts. As I write this I am still sitting here in the same jammies I put on last night and the sweatshirt I threw on this morning. Guess what...It feels fantastic. When Brett Brett (aka the husband) got home from work he noticed that I was still in my jammies. He looked at me a little sideways and I replied with the very common....WHAT?! Did not feel like getting dressed today....He laughed a little and then went to change out of his uniform....wait for it....INTO HIS JAMMIES!  AHHHH great minds think a like.

I think we sort of had plans to do something tonight, but um well that isn't happening. Everything can wait until tomorrow....

Some days we just need a no bra stay in our jammies all day kind of day! Tomorrow I will be fancy. PROMISE!

Thursday, January 3, 2013

So many times I have said I will start documenting the way I feel. Who I am. The me that no one gets to hear or see. I said I would start writing again every day. That I would read again everyday. Starting the New Year when I have time. Things may start off brief, with very limited time here, but eventually I plan to commit a few extra moments of everyday to my passion of writing. I feel like I am and have been neglecting a special part of my life, hell he is my life. I feel guilty everyday for not crying on the outside, for "functioning" on the level I do. Yet there are days many of them that this is so not the case. I am a wreck on the inside and that is where it stays. But I know there is an outlet and that outlet is here. Whether anyone sees it or not it is and always will be here. I am not looking for pity or the "you are strong and an awesome woman for going on" I just am looking for a place to get it all out of my head. I think that some days I will make you cry, others I will make you shake your head, and sometime even laugh. But this is just my life and my life it is and always will be.....Happy 2013 folks....You have been warned I will write.