Friday, August 5, 2011

My Sensitive Child

Who knew? For those of you that know him Camden would be the last one of my kids that I would label as sensitive, but he is. I think that losing Callun changed him. I know it has affected him deeply in a way none of us will ever understand.

Colton is at Boy Scout Camp. RJ left to go visit his mom. Camden is here for TWO whole days ALONE!  He woke up yesterday worried that his brothers were "missing." Daddy was asleep in bed, but Camden couldn't find me. I was in the shower. By the time he figured this out he was in tears. The only thing I can relate this to is the morning when we lost Callun he woke up and I was gone. He wasn't alone, he was in great hands, but I was no where to be found.

I know that I have anxiety in situations, some I even find ridiculous myself but it happens all the same, I don't try to understand it or control it, I just go with it when it happens, don't fight it and it stops much faster. I am sure that he has the same issues.

Last night we got in my bed and were gonna watch NickJr until he was tired enough to fall asleep. We were watching Ni Hao Kai Lan. Simple enough right. WRONG! The one characters Panda bear fell in the mud and got dirty, he had to leave him with the Grandpa to get "fixed." The kids was crying, next thing I know Camden is hysterical! Holding his "buddies" (his mini Callun Monkey - named Canaan- and his bug eyed mini Giraffe - named Callun). He said that the show made his mind feel like it was his buddies that were "damaged." At first I giggled, and thought he is crying at a cartoon. Then of course it turned into much much more.

Cam said " I miss my brothers, I don't want to be the only brother, What if mean kids get my buddies....several crazy "buddy assult senarios", then finally I miss Callun....
There is was the root of the tears.

We all have our good days and bad days. I think that being alone has made him realize that even if RJ and Colt were gone Callun is supposed to be here. I feel it, I think it all the time. I make sure that I don't talk about it in front of him as much as I think it, but he obviously thinks it too. All I could do was hold him and tell him it is ok to be sad. Nothing was working to console him. He woke up after wetting my bed this morning worried about his buddies. Colt comes home tomorrow, Hopefully this will help a little.

Although I can't help but think that this is going to get worse before it gets better. We are all nervous and anxious about the baby coming (in the next 3-5 weeks) and I fear that this may be harder on everyone than I had orginally thought.

I am prepared for the new baby to bring the tough emotions and anxiety out in me, what I wasn't prepared for was the boys and how it may affect them.


  1. Love you Angela. You are such a strong mommy for those boys. The next few months are going to bring you all highs and lows you probably won't see coming, and it's good to know that they are so open and honest with you about how they are feeling. xoxo

    I gave you a bloggy award on my page today. Because you really are one of the strongest people I know. xoxo

  2. Found your blog on another baby loss blog and wanted to say how deeply sorry I am for the loss of your son. I lost my son to SIDS a year ago this's definitely a hard road :(