Thursday, December 16, 2010

Life Today

Life today is not as it should be, at least in my eyes. I seem to have a lot to say and to no one in particular. So I am thinking that this may just be the place to do it. I don't want phone calls asking if I am ok. Because honestly, I will never be ok. My life will never be right, or perfect or any of the sort. But I am fine. I just need a place to vent and this seems perfect. Eventually maybe this will turn into happy thoughts or funny stories, but for now it will be my venting point. Since our belongings have finally gotten here I am been busy. Yes receiving our stuff from the movers was tough, but only because I had to see everything again for the first time, again. Once they understood that all of the baby things went to storage I was ok. Then as we were unpacking I found all the hidden surprise triggers, like a book that my mom sent for Colt or Cam to read to Callun. I couldn't put that book in the box of outgrown books to donate. It seemed as if the little things hurt more.
Now we are getting ready for Christmas. The tree is now up. This is when I should be looking forward to adding a new baby's first Christmas ornament. I went shopping tonight for the kids and caught myself doing circles around the store just to avoid the baby section. Then while looking for "hooks" for our ornaments, I stumbled upon the "first Christmas" ornaments. I wanted to buy one. Of course they dont make "First Christmas without your Baby Ornaments". It was tough. I was thankful to be alone. That gave me the strength to keep shopping. No one looked at me funny or new that my heart was breaking. I think if Brett had been with me I may have just lost it, right there in the store. I was also thankful that it was late and that not very many people had there kids with them. The mall used to be a place for me to escape. Now it seems more like a prison. I think now of the time when I worked in the mall and wonder how many people I may have walked by then that feel the way I do now. Some days I wish I could just wear a t shirt. One that says. My baby died, while I slept, he died. It makes me so sad to think that in our society it is not ok to walk around with that label on.
  I want to order ribbons for our cars. It is expensive so I have been waiting until after Christmas. It has been pulling on my heart in such a huge way. Then the other day after I picked up Colton from school I found myself behind a car that had a sticker in the window. It said proud parent of an angel, with the SIDS ribbon below it. For a split second I thought about following that woman home, but I didn't. I now regret not doing it. I can honestly say that is the only person, just out of my reach, that really does understand.  I find my self fleeing from those that love me and that I hold so close just because I know that they can feel when I am not being totally honest. Even now I am holding back. I cling to online and facebook friends whom I know understand on the same level I do. Then I think about all those who held Callun and were touched by his precious face and innocent "squeek". I also think more of those whom didnt ever get a chance to touch him with his eyes open. 
The last day I saw my baby, was the first day that many saw him. Time and circumstance did not allow every one who loved him to kiss him while he was alive. It was comforting in a very strange way that the last day I saw him, I know that "wasn't him." He looked so different. When Brett and I saw him at the hospital in Misawa, he just looked asleep. Still very much was Callun. I wanted to run out of the room with him in my arms, like somehow that would bring him back.  I wonder if God allowed him a visit with Daddy.I still don't have a photo of that moment, and that bothers me. I know that there was some one there taking pictures but I don't have the picture. The body we saw the day of his service was not Callun. Yes it was his body, but it wasn't him. Even Camden noticed the difference. He wanted to touch him, tried even to wake him up. But he even asked me why he looked "weird". I said because our Callun is in Heaven. That was enough for my Cam at the time. I didn't want a picture of him that day, because I know he was gone. The gentleman at the funeral home asked us before we left if we wanted to see him again after they changed his clothes and before he went to the crematory, I very quickly answered no. I never asked Brett, I feel bad now in case he wanted to see him again, but I knew that I couldn't. Some people may ask why we wanted Callun cremated. This is a discussion you don't ever have with your spouse when talking about life and having children. Never never never does any one discuss what to do if your baby dies."Normal" people don't talk about shit like that. We couldn't think of a place that we call home to have him buried, and well I could not very well carry him around with me everywhere. Cremation just felt right. Now a part of me wishes we had donated his body to SIDS research but at the time I was only thinking of the only way to have him with me at all times. We looked online for hours at urns. Nothing seemed right. They were either too creepy, or not Callun. So we went to Build A Bear, and bought a monkey. My dearest Sarah fixed the monkey up like no one else could. She thought of the things I just couldn't. Our Callun Monkey is one of my greatest gifts. I love that the boys cherish the Callun Monkey like nothing else. Camden holds him just as he did Callun. For Cam to slow down and take the time to carefully treasure "his brother" is amazing to me every time he does. I had a hard time letting Camden sleep with the Callun Monkey so we bought Cam his own "small fry" version of the monkey. This has helped and now Camden sleeps with his little monkey every night.  I love when Cam says lets get the Callun Monkey and watch a movie, or just his favorite TV show. Cam has an amazing heart and I really think he still "sees and talks" to his brother in a way the rest of us cannot. This boy amazes me at the things he says and does every day.
I will never hide the fact that Callun was here. With any one.  I tell every one that asks how many kids do you have? That I have 4. When they ask how old they are I have to tell them the truth. It may bother them, but I can't live with not being honest about Cal. I don't bring him up every day to the boys, but the boys bring him up a lot more than anyone would have thought. Whether it is because of his star in the sky, (the only star shining in my window in Misawa that night, after the strange and erie weather we had all that day in Japan) or a commercial on TV the boys mention him all the time. 
I could go on for hours, but it is late and I have to get up early in the morning.
Goodnight everyone.

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