Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Simply Sad

Can't have chocolate, beer/wine, a cigarette or my girls. 

Can't fix what is actually bothering me. 

Yes I am having one of those days where I would have all of those things all at once if I could. Most days of course I fake it well. I think I have become a very good actress over the last year.

Today I just feel sad. Oddly I do not feel angry,guilty, lonely, bitter, or any of the other things that usually come with this feeling. Today I am simply sad.

I hate that our move date, and the anniversary of the worst day of our lives are so close together. The closer I get to a good day is that much closer to what I know is going to be a hard day.

I think that I am just dealing with an overwhelming mix of emotions. I think that sometimes I am losing my mind. 

I think.

I want to save everyone from the pain that I have felt this last year. A pain I cannot describe, a pain that I am not sure that I want you to understand, a pain that I do not want to share. I want to stop this pain from happening, yet I see and hear news on a regular basis that make me sad.

I know that I cannot save every baby but it doesn't keep me from wanting to. I am not a doctor, I know that I cannot do anything to help but I really want to. I almost need too. The emotional overload is breaking my heart all over again.

I am feeling anxious, nervous, heavy, out of breath much the same as I did THAT morning.

I remember every detail. The sky, the wind, the strangeness of the air. I know that I am not the only one that feels this way. I also remember every call I had to make, every call I had to answer, the call I had to wait for. I remember every hug I had and every hug I couldn't get until later and the hug I will never be able to get again. It all still feels as though it didn't happen and like it happened today at the same time. 

I wonder if writing every detail down will get it out of my head, even though I know none of it will ever leave my heart.

I cherish all of the people that were there for me that day, and for the rest that wanted to be.  I remember the faces of all the people in that room during those horrible moments. I wish I knew the names of some of these people. Especially the people who looked me in the eye, not the ones who looked away, but the ones who looked at me and knew that what I was about to do and experience would change my life forever. 

I am grateful for the two wonderful Doctors or should I say Fathers who had a heart and did what they would have wanted done for one of their own precious babies. Their kindness is a memory I can hold see and cherish forever.

I am thankful for the ones who didn't try to speak when there was nothing to say, and those who did just to help fill the silence. I am thankful for the ones that listened to me, protected me, and saved me during this time. 

I am thankful for what I have. Grateful for the ability to see what is in front of me. Simply and horribly sad for what is no longer here. 

The closer it gets the harder it gets.

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