Saturday, January 26, 2013

Sunshine on the days that SUCK!

today was a good day, don't confuse the title. but this week in general has been rough. do you ever realize that you are at an age when more bad happens than good.  i mean to say you get more news of friends dying or being ill than getting married and having babies? you so won't get it until it happens to that point in life several things happen. you realize A. that you are old (hello my husband is RETIRING this year) B that life is totally out of your control. 

I think that the latter bothers me more. I had my first lesson that my life is beyond my control when our Callun died. My world stopped. It would have ended if it wasn't for Camden. He has kept me going. He keeps me functioning and on my toes. He asked the questions no one else would and he forced me to answer them. I knew I would never be "ready" to try again, so when we stopped stopping things from happening I let life take control.

As a complete control freak this was so hard for me, but at that point in my life everything was out of control and in a spiral of events so to speak.

I am grateful everyday for my "little" Carwyn. He lights up my world daily. Even when he is trying to drive me crazy.

My second dose of life is out of our control is my MS diagnosis. One day I was "fine" the next it felt like I was going in circles (literally). For 6 months I was on standstill and the world was still spinning. Days of not feeling well turned into at first days in the hospital then weeks. Then months of recovery and months of finding the right medicine that made me feel like me. I think we got it. This worries me more than words because everything I do somedays feels like the day before I got "dizzy". 

Like I said before the events of the last couple weeks have been rough. A friend I knew since junior high was murdered in his home with his pregnant wife. A funeral if in California I would have attended, but being that they were buried on the East Coast in the most honored of resting places made that impossible. People are murdered everyday, but not someone you know. I am pretty sure this is what everyone in this situation thinks, but still until it happens to you....well ya know.

Now another friend I had from before has had cancer. She was able to come to Callun's funeral. After many years of not seeing her she was there. Sick as she was she was there. She has been doing OK since then. But now her illness has taken a turn for the worse. I have been praying for her everyday since I found out she was sick. She is forever on my mind. She was given a "timeline" recently, now I just pray for everyday she has with her babies, both of which are younger than Camden. I want them to know and REMEMBER their mama, so much. I pray she has more time than the doctors say. I want them all to be able to be able to experience life as she was when we hung out. Carefree, relaxed, fun!

I have had friends with children or parents in the hospital or horribly sick. I won't go into details on that too but my friends Dave, his wife and unborn child and Angela weigh heavy on my heart and mind.

Tonight while worrying about Colt on his camping trip in the mountains where it is very likely snowing, I was browsing Facebook, as I do most evenings, and saw a picture that brought joy to my heart. A sweet very loving and deserving family delivered their rainbow baby. For those that don't know Carwyn is my rainbow baby. It is a term given to those who have lost a child previously. As we all know the first after is the hardest. This amamzing family had a problem opposite of mine. She lost her daughter right at the end of her pregnancy. I wanted to keep Carwyn inside forever, I felt safe with him there. Inside where I could feel him always. She had the opposite. Those last months must have been torture. I can only imagine. Her beautiful baby boy is here and safe now. I have finally heard some good news after the storm of events that have happened in the last couple weeks. This little man is truly the rainbow after the storm. Some rainbows are seen by a few, some seen by many. Some are secret rainbows known only to those who they have truly touched.

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